normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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