Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
