Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
