Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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