addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
