I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
