Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
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I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
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Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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