4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
