can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
