Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
