I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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