Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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