And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
