If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
