So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
