fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
