so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
