Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
