This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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