Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
