Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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