I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
