I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
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I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You can't just leave with hair like that
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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