Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
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The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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