glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Green mimosas i think yes
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
