I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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