Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
