tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
