I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
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dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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