I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
