i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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