She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
