oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
