My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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