good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
