mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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