Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
