soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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