Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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