I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
