everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
