i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
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When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
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This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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