I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
