Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
