hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
