at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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