I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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