Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
