Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
