Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
