I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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