I accidentally burped into my bong.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We just shotgunned beers for America
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
