Your face is a jimmy john
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
