You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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