Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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