: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
