I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
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You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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