running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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