What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize
